Inversions

Another cloudy day. Having people around me, feeling lonely though. Feeling invaded, no privacy, no place to call my own. Again, I have no place to call home. Disturbing noise around me and some music to try to disguise the discomfort. I look out the window and all I can see is ten thousand shades of grey: the sun has been hiding for quite a long time, the rain has been poured down on a constant intent of washing out whatever comes its way.

Here I am, having another cigarette, some tasteless coffee, feeling its bitterness with a pinch of anger and an uncontrollable desire to shout at the top of my lungs, ‘I don’t want to be here anymore’. So what do you do if the only wise choice you actually have is to put up with this dreadful situation, waiting so that there’s a much more appropriate moment to change? What do you do?

What do you exactly do when you get tired of telling people ‘I told you so’ ? In fact, all I really wanted was to be able to have some minor control over my daily life. Older people are supposed to be wiser than you. There’s that moment, however, when you have to turn to your own parent and tell him that what he’s doing is not right, tell him that whatever he does has been harmful to you and other people around and his attitudes just generate a chain of negative feelings, a sense of pity which makes anyone react the same way: they feel sorry for that kind of person.

I wish I didn’t have to feel sorry for any of my parents. I wish they knew how to take care of themselves. I wish I can do better for myself as I grow older. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel proud , knowing that I have done my best and that I have been able to give support to those who rely on my for comfort, peace and a shoulder to cry on.

Crying, I wish I could right now. Maybe that would prevent me from feeling so bitter. It would wash away my sorrow and get me ready for another bright sunny day. I know tomorrow will not be as sunny as I wish and things won’t change overnight. Some things will never change and I count on the uncertainties of life to take care of what we can’t do for others. Uncertainties might bring some reason to the most unreasonable person. Anger might help you react to a chain of unwanted events. Wrath may bring you back on your feet, getting you ready to move on.

I’m a hopeful person. Call me silly, call me foolish, call me whatever you want: I’ll always wish for a better day to come. I’ll always crave for that smile that comes out of the blue and lights up the room. I’ll always be willing to find a place I can call home. I’ll always say to myself that, as I wake up, things will be given a new perspective and that is what nobody should give up on: having some perspective in life.